A friend responded to my blog on the use of "I love you" and made some rather good points. But, to me, the best was this one:
"In the end it is the decision to love someone that drives me. Feelings and hormones may come and go; however, that decision is persistent and eternal. It may not sound romantic; however, not all of us are hardwired to be romantic."
". . . (T)he decision to love someone . . ." That's really it, isn't it? So many people blurt out an initial, "I love you" in a moment of emotion. So few make a conscious decision to love someone and keep loving them. We behave as if love is an overriding force outside of our control - we fall in and out of love. Perhaps if we accept that the romantic emotion of "love" comes and goes, and instead focused on the decision to love someone (faults and all) and to keep loving that person, we'd be more content.
Just a few thoughts to ponder . . .
Epilogue/Addendum 4/23/2011
I finished a novel last night and one passage seemed eerily familiar to the blog above. (I found the novel rather boring and cliched - full of brand name dropping - one more mention of Viking stoves and I would have assumed the author was being paid by them.) So, emily giffin (her spelling) wrote:
"But maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. and maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."
Still pondering life . . . damn it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Love Boat is Sinking
Ok, when I worked for my last company, every 12 months, they'd introduce some emotionally-tied, grand idea that would supposedly change our lives. They'd introduce it at a company meeting with great fanfare: videos/audio/presentations/PowerPoint. Sometimes, they'd make us, get this, do book reports on the new theory. And, just as horrid, present or discuss how the new theory could be put to use in our professional or personal lives. We went through 212 Degrees, Getting Things Done, the Randy Pausch video/book, and many more. I left before the most recent African-inspired team building - there wasn't a team left.
What does this have to do with love?
When the company would introduce these grand plans, I believed them or made myself believe them. I was a company cheerleader but took it to heart too. I was of the: LET'S DO THIS! reaction. But, over time, I was troubled by the careless discarding of what we were once told to embrace. And what I did embrace. The old theories were barely mentioned after being introduced and never appeared again.
What does this have to do with love?
When a man has told me he loves me, I've believed him. When I embrace the concept (if you will), I say it back. When we split up, I have the same reaction as my company discarding emo-organizational motivational pulp: If it meant something deep to you, how can you so easily move on? This happens even when I've done the breaking up. A little piece of me goes with any "I love you" level of relationship because I really believed it.
I think, fundamentally, most men and women think differently about love and the "I love you" phrase. Some of my friends have opined that for men, "I love you" means "I like having you around," or, "I like the way I feel when I'm around you." I think, for women, it is something deeper. We are supposedly more emotional after all. To point, two friends of mine are dating. He tells her he loves her constantly but she won't say it back. He told me he doesn't understand why she won't say it. She told me "I love you" means something deeper to her so she doesn't just want to throw it out there. I think she's got the right idea.
So guys, think before you use the magic phrase. And me? Don't be confused if I don't say it back or if I ask you to explain what it means to you.
That is, if I ever date again.
What does this have to do with love?
When the company would introduce these grand plans, I believed them or made myself believe them. I was a company cheerleader but took it to heart too. I was of the: LET'S DO THIS! reaction. But, over time, I was troubled by the careless discarding of what we were once told to embrace. And what I did embrace. The old theories were barely mentioned after being introduced and never appeared again.
What does this have to do with love?
When a man has told me he loves me, I've believed him. When I embrace the concept (if you will), I say it back. When we split up, I have the same reaction as my company discarding emo-organizational motivational pulp: If it meant something deep to you, how can you so easily move on? This happens even when I've done the breaking up. A little piece of me goes with any "I love you" level of relationship because I really believed it.
I think, fundamentally, most men and women think differently about love and the "I love you" phrase. Some of my friends have opined that for men, "I love you" means "I like having you around," or, "I like the way I feel when I'm around you." I think, for women, it is something deeper. We are supposedly more emotional after all. To point, two friends of mine are dating. He tells her he loves her constantly but she won't say it back. He told me he doesn't understand why she won't say it. She told me "I love you" means something deeper to her so she doesn't just want to throw it out there. I think she's got the right idea.
So guys, think before you use the magic phrase. And me? Don't be confused if I don't say it back or if I ask you to explain what it means to you.
That is, if I ever date again.
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